to all the singles…
Vow. What is a vow? From what I’ve been learning so far it seems that a vow, specifically a marriage vow, is a commitment to love through the joys and sorrows, a covenant of trust between two people, a promise of faithfulness… not for a ‘season of time’ but for life! Now as a single guy (read: not married) that is such a foreign concept, the idea of a commitment that lasts longer than my attention span. What!? Especially since the notion of covenant is in direct opposition to the world around me…
A world influenced by Western consumeristic culture, where there is a uncomfortable stigma attached to the label, “Christian Single.” This stigma is driven by alien concepts of purity and chastity in a culture of instant gratification, unquenchable options and presumed promiscuity. As citizens of this broken world we are constantly bombarded with the outside pressures that lure us away from a commitment to right living, and this persistence has perverted our view of covenant.
So, how do we live in a world that treasures options, trivializes commitment and downplays divorce? Well, as a 29 year-old who has trudged in the valley of singleness for a majority of my post pubescent life, I can honestly say, the only way to live a ‘pure life’ in this broken world is to be completely and utterly dependent on God. My reliance on Christ through the pain of loneliness has trumped any need for sexual gratification and social affirmation. It is in this relationship that I can truly live a life that strives for selflessness as opposed to a life that dies in selfishness. In this unselfish perspective it is easier to live without the angst of being single, though I have never been totally free of anxiety, I have been able to monopolize my time for God. I believe this is the beginning steps to learning what a life-long commitment to my wife will look like… a posture of sacrifice that show’s my dependence on Christ.
This dependence melts and molds my heart to be ready for “The Vow” I will one day make to my beautiful bride (whomever that may be!).
Loneliness Aversion: practical things “Christian Singles” can focus on during those lonely Friday nights…
- hobbies – camping, climbing, writing, biking, painting, singing, guitar – seriously girls and guys alike dig musicians – learn an instrument (preferably not the tuba).
- serving – there are multitude of opportunities to serve those around you, cook for your neighbors, invite friends over, weekend micro-missions.
- job – get a job.
- DON”T WATCH TV – this is the worst thing you can do as it perpetuates the problem – especially since you’ve already watched “Notting Hill” 26 times – seriously.
My thoughts are those that focus on being single will always have dependency problems. Depend on Christ alone and go enjoy the endless possibilities that life has to offer. Married and Singles – what are your thoughts/experiences?
Thank you for the post!
I've recently been thinking about depending on Christ/abiding in him – John 15 has been great to read about this.
Tony, thanks for posting. And all the singles in the house said, "Amen!"
Wow!! This was soooo timely, you have no idea!! Thank you so much for the reminder Sam! I so have to agree on the TV, that's why I don't even have one (and I save on cable
actually, I agree with all your Loneliness Aversion tips.
"Tthose that focus on being single will always have dependency problems. Depend on Christ alone and go enjoy the endless possibilities that life has to offer." /// So true!!
Thank you again for a great post!
What's wrong with the tuba?
Great post. Not sure how it applies to me yet, though. Depending on Christ alone is my only goal right now. Can't wait to see what he's going to do next.
You know, I was wondering the same thing about the tuba?…?
Well done – glad to have input from a single person on the blog so everyone can better relate to The Vow. Your suggestions are right on the money and some of them are things I wish I'd done before I was married to be as prepared as you will be Sam.
ha! I played the tuba from 4th grade to 8th grade… let's just say it wasn't a instrument that brought a crowd!
Thank you for being so honest. I am recently single again. I was terrified at the prospect of being single. But God has been showing me how having Him as my One is enough and has always been enough. It gets tough sometimes…lonliness, purity. Most of the time I am content in my relationship with God and iving out his vision for my life. I agree with your ideas to combat lonliness and I can add that I have made some Godly friendships with other women (Iron sharpens iron) –so join a lifegroup!
I am single again after 30 years. My husband moved to Heaven just before Christmas. It's been hard to stay here without him, but it has been easier knowing he served God…and me…with dedicated fervor. It's worth the wait to find God's best mate. My husband lived his vow with me, and I lived my vow with him. He left earth knowing that I know God, and that my dependence would be on Him. I know God more because of my husband's love. He never criticized me once, but always encouraged me to be the best I could be. He had more confidence in me than I had in myself. I failed in many things, but he always made me believe I could do the next thing I set my mind to do. Sure, we had hard times, but we passed through them together, and always came out stronger because when we disagreed, we let the Word of God settle whatever was going on. (Sometimes, even in all of our splendid intelligence and reasoning, we just don't know the answers!) We were very happy together, and before he left, he reminded me that we had shared a great love and we had no regrets. Only through God is that possible.
Remember, God said "two shall be one," not two halves shall be one. (That's supernatural!) One person does not "complete" or make another WHOLE, but serving God melds two together into one inextricable unit–inextricable simply means "impossible to disentangle or separate; impossible to escape from"–as in "the past and present are inextricable."
Only after my dear, sweet husband left did I understand how two could really be one. Wait to make the vow, settle only for being equally yoked in like faith, and then LIVE the vow. In life and at death, It's where God's peace reigns.
Wow! Star, what a testimony to living out "the vow"! It is very encouraging to hear your admonition about two wholes becoming one, as God's involvement is paramount to a glorifying relationship! Thank you for sharing.
I know just what you're talking about, and find it especially hard in my profession ( not coincidentally the ministry I am called to) in the fighter pilot world. I just recently moved and not only have the hard task of shining my light amongst my work peers, but also that of finding a church and good fellowship at the same time in the community in which I now call home (although Oklahoma will always be my REAL home…LOL).
Your advice about "friday nights" is dead on accurate and I completely agree.
In all reality, I KNOW that WITH Christ, I could be single for the rest of my life- not that I want to be, but I COULD, and know that it could be hard to find a mate given my career field. Yet, with my limited experience, I still have my advice:
LIVE the life God has called you to, PURSUE your God given passions, SERVE those around you, and DISCIPLINE yourself to stay in God's Word and away from things that discourage you. Don't look for the right one, BECOME the right one, and you'll get the right one- IN GOD'S TIMING. But if you're a man, you still have to do the pursuing…
I agree totally only from the female perspective
There are many good recomendations and Biblical principles in the discussion above. I lived by many of them and had lots of fulfulling experiences in serving and relationally as a single from college aged to getting married some what late at 35.
When I moved to a smaller town out of college I was playing in the Wednesday Night worship band the second or third week and before officially joining.
When there was not a singles home group I started on with another single in the worship band.
Things did not go as I envisioned in marriage and discovered my wife had some serious mental health/spiritual bondage issues she had kept well hidden. Since divorce was never an option for me I stayed in an abusive and manipulative relation continuing to love, pray for her and encourage her to overcome through Christ and Biblical community for the last six of eight years.
Despite Christian marriage counceling and many opportunities to accept help in many forms she chose another path and ended the marriage.
While I had been so desperately trying to save or at least hang on to the marriage I failed to realize how badly my own health had deteriorated and although I thought I was on the road to recovery found my self forced into a medical disability.
I did all the above as a single when I could and expected to do them again only to find myself unable to work, go back to school and unable to enjoy the hobbies and passions I once enjoyed. This is a result of a real illness and not a psychosomatic disorder although the six years of very high stress suredly did not help.
There is no where else for me to seek Biblical community or even have a conversation with another adults right now outside Single events at least sponsored by the church. I don’t believe finding myself in this position should be seen as me expecting the church to be a “baby sitter” for singles or worse yet a match maker. Yet sometimes that is how I feel requests for supportive singles ministry are perceived.
At this point I have zero interest in dating or a Christian social club however I know the isolation I find myself in due to circumstances far beyond my control is not God’s desire for my life.
I’m not disagreeing with the advice above at all however much of it assumes an inherant ability I no longer have. Everybody tells me I need more community (duh) but without a career or school its my church or the bars. I have no interest in wasting my time in the bars (or the money to blow).
My life is not defined by being single or married but it is without a doubt very empty without a place for finding community with others I can relate to on a weekly (at least) basis.
Praying for recovery and that His glory be revealed during this time.
Please help, if anyone knows of any singles events, weekly activities, something like what OASIS was for NW Okc singles please let me know. Preferably groups geared between the ages of 30-40. My email is jeffspersonalacc@gmail.com or you can reach me by cell at 405-808-0789.
PS: I’m trying to help my recently save brother, who now finally wanting to get involved, to find a place for him in Life Church as one of it’s singles members. However, I’m finding it difficult to find anything on the Life Church websites.
I have loved the Lord for 30 years. He will get me through this time, but I’ve been a helpmate/wife/friend for 34 years and feel so disjointed. I have trouble focusing. I want to get involved in missions (taking eyes off self and placing them on others) but am new to the area and this church. Do you need me?
Update. Thank You Lord. I have been involved with two churches and two small groups, plus my own Bible study. Not board or disjointed now. God is faithful even when we FEEL we are alone. He is always near.