“As human beings we are sexual creators right? Isn’t it only natural to meet our needs just like when we are hungry we eat food, when we have sexual desire we need to meet it right? And how I meet that need doesn’t have the be the same way you meet that need. Just like you might be a vegetarian but I love giant cheeseburgers! For you sex might work best in marriage but for me it might work best with my girl friend if she’s around and porn if she isn’t, but who are you to try to make me do things your way?”
Though many of probably don’t agree with the comment above, our actions often communicate something very different. The topic of sex often has as much sin in its misuse as the condemnation that comes from those of us dealing with it ourselves or lacking the grace to help. But I wanted to share some thoughts to continue the conversations started from the past weekend at Church Online around having Moral Margin.
First, let me say as a man who has a battle with sexual addiction (I am not currently stuck in the sin, but if I learned anything from my friends in Celebrate Recovery; as soon as I think I am over it is the moment it has its most powerful potential to come back into my life) I can relate to the restlessness, feelings of failure and helplessness, shame and hypocritical living. I also know that just giving a lot of the right answers to those of you struggling in sexual sin isn’t all that helpful if you aren’t willing to recognize the need for help.
But secondly, and most importantly, I truly believe in a God who brings hope to the hopeless, help to us in times of need, is unwaveringly full of grace, and sees each of us as fully free to draw close to him and away from the sins that continue to bind us.
So, as I share realizations that have been key in my experience I don’t do so with condemnation or the expectation that the answers here can be a magic fix. Finding recovery is tough. But in my fight here are a couple of the things that helped me:
Sexual Sin is a heart issue:
For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting,” – Jesus (from the book of Mark 7:21 in the Bible)
If this struggle with sexual sin comes from our hearts, and we are falling into it, then something is amiss in our hearts. And for some of us we have had this sin dominating us for so long, and we’ve been ignoring it and justifying it so much that we’ve become numb. And not just numb to effect the sin is having on us and our families, but numb to the sound and presence of God’s voice in our lives. We’ve got to claim our hearts back if we are to change.
Purpose Faceoff:
“You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies.” – The Apostle Paul to an early church in Corinth (found in the Bible at 1 Corinthians 6:13)
Sex is good! But fulfilling sexual desire or being sexual is not our primary aim or purpose. Sexual desire is a part of us, but it isn’t all of us. When we fall into sexual sin we are submitting to a lesser purpose for our lives then what God sees for each of us. But when we draw close to God and his purpose for us, when are able to put him first, we see a different choice in the midst of temptation – a very real high road and low road.
Awesome – what do I do to fix it?
“Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. 19 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, 20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.” – The Apostle Paul to an early church in Corinth (found in the Bible at 1 Corinthians 6:18 – 20)
Honest moment, you can’t fix it.. alone. This will be a temptation to be prepared to battle all through life. And you know the drill, the places, the people, the websites, the times of day, the devices you have in place that are where you fall. Realizing you have a problem is a start, realizing you can’t fix it if nothing changes is a great step, understanding you can’t do this alone is the toughest (we’d all like to think the bootstrap and will power combo works right? How’s that working for ya?). Yes, you need to remove yourself from the things you know present the temptations. And yes, it will be extremely inconvenient because sinful behavior is based on convenience. It’s much more convenient for me to chose my own way then live by God’s, every time.
Final Word:
It is extremely likely for those of you dealing with sexual sin that most of this article hasn’t been new for you. Like for me, I could recite and write all of this information down from heart and yet I still would fall. What I hope is that seeing it again will strike a cord in your heart that you do have hope, that you can experience freedom. The how of that has been lead and done by people much more experienced than I am in recovery and I have included their information below. Both of these ministries can help you know the choices you need to make, and what a road to recovery looks like. But you still have to click and reach out, you still need to ask for help and say “Enough is enough!”
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I like this because I too have dealt with similar. Only masturbation and porn, though. And the shame that comes with it! It’s something I guess I’ve been in denial about because it wasn’t something that was an all the time thing. But then I began to realize when I was “in the mood” I didn’t want to stop myself even though I knew it wasn’t right. I know from overcoming other addictions that you can pray yourself through it, you can distract yourself and you can find away to move on to something else. But I would shove my little Jiminey Cricket into the closet while I did what I wanted. Afterward I would hate myself and ask myself why I didn’t just give it up to God and let him help me through.
But in our society your bombarded with smut. I’m an artist and now days what was once tasteful, artist nudity has basically become porn and find it hard to search the internet for inspiration with becoming turned on. It starts out as disgust like I don’t want to get into it but it turns so quick from get off my computer screen to searching for porn.
I really appreciate this article because I’m new to understanding how much it affects me. Thank you!
People who talk about sexual liberty never seem think about the indisensability of family.If family dies humanity dies too!Even secular scientists would agree to this.
Its amazing how I stumbled onto this site , Its just what I needed to see. I must share that I was confused as I heard certain ministers say Mastibation was ok. I was exposed to mastibation when I was very young and I used the idea that it was ok but in the back of my mind I knew it was wrong, when I had done it I felt the same way as some one mentioned earlier, shame, guilt, I also felt dirty and it affect me when I go before the Lord to pray. I feel hypocritical. I know he knows my weakness but it dosnt take away the feelings that i mentioned . Only when I ask for Gods forgiveness and ask for his blood to wash me again and I know he dose, I feel free to move forward but when you love someone you dont want to keep hurting them. Thats how I feel about God.
Things have got heaps better though, and I have found through talking to my Pastor and receiving council from the bible and just talking and crying out to God has brought me much deliverance and healing also keeping away from what can trigger those feelings off.
It’s very odd, I’ve just been struggling again with sexual sin and today I see this article. Or maybe not so odd, maybe this is exactly where the Lord has led me. I have always known sexual addiction was a tendency that I was vulnerable to. And over the years I have occasionally fallen into it. I have always taken steps to flee from it: accountability filters and other activities have kept me protected. Recently though I found yet ANOTHER way to delve into it, and once again I have to find a way to embrace the Lord and ask for His grace to lead me to the place He wants me to go. Thank God for this article!