Church Online

The last week or so has been draining for some reason. As I look back through my journal I see lots of question marks, where I have talked to God, trying to figure out what is causing the turmoil in my life. I am lacking energy. I am lacking drive. I am lacking creativity. Colors seem duller. Normal weekly challenges seem like mountains. I don’t feel like doing any of the things that I typically find enjoyable. I feel like I’m just going through the motions, waiting for the unexplainable fog to lift from my life.

This morning, as I was journaling to God, I started suggesting possible reasons for my depressed mood lately. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been so selfish? I’ve been focused on myself, and I’ve been wanting to have control over everyone else’s actions. Maybe this is my problem.

But I didn’t feel as though God was confirming or denying this hypothesis.

So I suggested something else. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been getting great sleep? My kids have been coughing a lot at night and needing attention. I’ve also stayed up late and gotten up early. Perhaps I’m crabby because I need more sleep, and that’s affecting all areas of my life.

I didn’t feel as though God was confirming or denying this hypothesis either.

I backed-up and tried again. Perhaps our family is under spiritual attack? That is certainly a possibility. We’ve all been nit-picking a lot with each other, annoyed by tiny things. We’ve been trying so hard to do the right things in our lives physically, spiritually and mentally. It would make sense that Satan would want to discourage us.

Again, I didn’t feel as though God was confirming or denying my third hypothesis.

I ended my time with God this morning feeling somewhat confused and empty. Praying for the fruits of the spirit to manifest in my life. Praying specifically for joy and self-control. Praying that the Holy Spirit could lift me out of this haze, whatever was causing it. I wanted an explanation for it, but if He wasn’t going to give me that, I at least wanted Him to fix it.

This evening as I was rocking my 15-month-old to sleep I was suddenly reminded of something I had seen on twitter recently from Donald Miller :

Just realized it’s ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me not “through Christ who makes it easy.”

At the time, when I read it, it  didn’t impact me whatsoever. I’ve read Philippians 4:13 plenty of times before. It may as well have just been a jumble of words on a screen. But in the light of my week and even more specifically, in the light of my confusing conversation this morning with God, it suddenly made a lot more sense.

God was not going to solve this draining time in my life for me, however, He was going to help me walk through it.

It was not wrong for me to ask for God to solve it. He wants to know what’s on my heart. It also wasn’t wrong for me to try and find the source of the problem. It’s always wise to check our motives, our actions, our circumstances.

But when I didn’t get a clear answer any one way from God, and when I didn’t feel as though this day was any better than the previous seven, I realized this evening that this might just have to be endured for awhile. I will have to rest in the fact that things are just hard right now, but He is with me. He is giving me strength.

In my rocking chair tonight, holding my baby close, I realized it’s not my fault that things are difficult right now. I also realized I don’t have to feel guilty that I can’t fix it. I’m not failing as a Christian because I have had a rocky week. Things do not have to be easy for me to feel accomplished in my faith. Sometimes the accomplishment of faith is resting in Him, even during the chaos.

I’m so glad God ended this day with an answer for me.

*Edited to add: My oldest daughter just threw-up a couple minutes after typing this post. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

[You can connect with Mandy at her blog MessyCanvas.com]